A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you.You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.His father said,"Son, I'm really proud of you.You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied,"You know dad, I've been thinking about that.You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied,"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"



AT a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mention that he, too, is an excellent golfer. Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.
"When I tee off,"the singer explains,"I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests to play a round.When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks,"How about if we play for $100,000?" Tiger insists he won't play for money, but Steive argues until Tiger finally relents and says,"So, when do you want to play?"
Stevie replies,"I'll play on any night you choose."



OVERHEARD in the stable at Bethlehem:"I don't know, you wait a lifetime for a wise man and then three come all at once."



A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you.You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"



A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes."I'd love an ice-cold beer now,"he told the genie.Poof! A beer appeared.
Next the man said,"I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women,"Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
Oh, man, this is the life, the guy thought. I wish I never had to work again.And poof! He was back at his desk in his government office.



THREE men were waiting to be interviewed for a job on the police force.The first candidate was called in.The officer passed him a picture of a man, asked him to study it and tell him any interesting details he noticed.After a few minutes, the candidate said,"The man has only one ear."
"It's a profile,"the officer pointed out.
The second candidate was given the same picture and asked the same question."The man has only one ear,"he said after a little while.
Exasperated, the officer replied,"It's a profile!"
The third candidate was given the same instructions.After several minutes he stated,"The man is wearing contact lenses."
Impressed, the officer checked the information sheet."You're right! How did you figure it out?"
"Easy," the man replied."He couldn't wear glasses with only one ear."



A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff.He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could no farther.He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop.Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper.He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast , to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles.Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the another.A short distance down the road, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.
A police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvette headed his way at over 120 mph.He then relayed,"...and you're not going to belive this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."



A man walked past a children's playground surrounded by a tall fence and heard them chanting,"Thirteen, thirteen,"loudly.
His curiosity got the better of him and he peeked through a knothole in the fence.Someone promptly poked him in the eye and he fell over.
"Fourteen, fourteen,"the chant continued.



LATE one night, Jack took a short cut through a graveyard.Hearing a tapping sound, he felt a little scared, but continued on his way.
As the tapping got louder and louder, he became more and more frightened until he suddenly came across a man chiselling at a grave stone.
"Thank goodness,"Jack said to the man with relief."You gave me quite a fright.What are you doing?"
"They spelt my name wrong,"the man replied.



A flight attendant approached a gentleman who was protesting rather loudly."I want to complain about this airline,"he grumbled,"Every time I fly, I get the same seat. I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds, so I can't sleep."
"Come on, Captain,"the flight attendant replied,"Just shut up and land the plane."

A woman walks into a convenience store.She walks straight to the manager and asks,"Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry,"says the manager,"We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks,"Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either,"says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks,"Do you have Doritos?"
The manager shrugs,"Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick."
"Nope.Don't have that."
"My God!"the woman shouts,"If you don't have anything, you should close the stinking store!"
The manager shrugs,"Don't have the key."



A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy's window and says,"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyser tube."
The man says,"Sorry, officer, I can't do that.I am an asthmatic.If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine.I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either.I am a hemophiliac.If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either.I am also a diabetic.If I do that, I'll get really low blood suger."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."



HAVE you heard of the general who was well known for telling tall tales? Whenever he was telling one of his stories, the general was also in the habit of asking his assistant,"Isn't that true, Lieutenant?"The lieutenant would always answer,"Yes, General."
Finally, the lieutenant grew tired of the tall tales.One day, the general was telling his comrades-at-arms that he went hunting in the wilderness and killed 100 pigeons with a single shot.
"Isn't that true, Lieutenant?"
To which the lieutenant answered,"Yes, General, 100 pigeons and one parrot."
"What! I didn't see the parrot."
"Well,"the lieutenant replied,"I didn't see the hundred pigeons, either."



THERE was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robart and Paul.Both graduated from law school. Both come from good families.Both are equally attractive and well-spoken.It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks,"Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chooses Paul.
Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside."I don't understand why I was rejected.When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I become a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, thet I'd lay down my life for constitution and that all I wanted to do right by my clients.What in the word you tell him?"
"I said I become a lawyer because of my hands,"Paul replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.Suddenly - from the sky - a voice boomed,"There are no fish under the ice."
Starled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to another.Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed,"There are no fish under the ice."
The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.The voice came once more,"There are no fish under the ice."
She stopped, looked skyward and said,"Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied,"No... this is the Ice - Rink Manager..."



H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
P.E.R.U. - Phorget Everyone... Remember Us.



CONVERSATION between two eagles flying high in the sky when they see a jet aircraft speeding by:
First eagle,"Wow! Just look at that bird fly."
Second eagle,"So would you if your tail was on fire!"



ARTIST,"So what's your opinion of my painting?"
Critic,"It's worthless."
Artist,"I know, but I'd like to hear it anyway."



ENTERING a pub with a snake, a man orders two beers.The man drinks his beer, but the snake struggles with his glass and eventually smashes it on the floor.The man orders two more beers and the same thing happens.
"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave," said the barman to the snake.
"I'm so sorry,"apologized the man."But he just can't hold his drink."



HE was 112 years old, but the Red Indian had a surprisingly good memory.So every year hundreds of people gathered to ask him questions. Once a man asked him,"What did you have for breakfast on the morning of March 12, 1921?"
The Red Indian bent his head, thought and answered,"Eggs!"
The man believed the answer, as each person was only allowed one question.Forty years later the man meets the old Indian again and, impressed that he is still alive, he asks,"But, how?"
The Indian bends his head, thinks and answers,"Fried!"

TWO bachelors were talking about cooking,"A few years ago I bought a cookbook,"says the first,"But I never had a chance to use it."
"Were the dishes too sophisticated?"asks the second man.
"All the recipes started the same way,"explains the first,"Take a clean plate....."



WALKING through the jungle, a missionary came across a native pounding a drum.
"Why are you doing that?"he asked.
"Because we have no water," replied the native.
"I see.You're praying for rain,"concluded the missionary.
"No,"said the native,"I'm sending for the plumber."



TWO attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks.Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner become quite concerned and marched over and told them,"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.



Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nail?
A: Make him wear shoes.



ONE sunday a priest played truant so he could enjoy a round of golf, leaving his assistant to conduct the service. He drove to a faraway golf course to avoid bumping into any parishioners.
Looking down, St Peter said to God,"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord shook his head.
The priest took his first shot, and scored a hole in one.St Peter was outraged."I thought you were going to punish him!"he said to the Lord.
The Lord looked at St Peter and replied,"So who's he going to tell?"



WORTHY advice on the back of a lorry belonging to OTIS, the lift manufacturer:
"Never accept a lift from a stranger."



REACHING the end of the job interview, the interviewer asked the young MBA student, fresh out of MIT,"And what starting salary were you loking for?"
The candidate responded confidently,"In the neighbourhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said,"Well, what would you say to a benefits package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say a red Corvette?"
The graduate sat up, mouth agape, and said,"Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer responded,"Of course...but you started it!"



A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said,"Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate,"the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry.I didn't know that,"said the manager," Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."



A man who had just died arrived at heaven's gate.Before allowing him entry St Peter questioned him,"Did you love a woman?"
"No,"the man replied,"I never loved a single one."
"Did you have a friend you cared for?"
"No.I never cared for anyone."
"Did a child ever bring out any tenderness in you?"
"Never."
"Perhaps you loved a pet? Did you not feel a love for nature?"
"No."
"What took you so long to get here?"a surprised St Peter asked him. "You've been dead for ages."



RUSSIAN composer Dmitri Shostakovich had broken one leg, then, on returning from his convalescence, the other.His comment:
"Communism says we should look to the future, but I think we need to watch where we're putting our feet!"

A factory owner said to a store owner,"Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage.I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised,"admitted Smith,"You know that I argue with every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said,"I'd still like twenty customers like you.The problem is, I have two hundred!"



THERE were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore.So she announced,"I'm going to try to swim to shore."She swam out five miles, and got really tired.She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself,"I wonder if she made it.I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve."So she attempts to swim out.The redhead had a lot more eudurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired.After 15 miles, she was to tired to go on, so she drowned.
The blonde thought to herself,"I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too."So she swam out 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island.The shore was just in sight, but she said,"I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.



A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store.In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him,"Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country,"said the lad.The boss liked the cut of him and said,"You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."



A guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit is dead and the guy panic. He thinks the neighbours are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died a natural death.A few days later, the neighbour is outside and asks the guy,"Did you hear a Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says,"Um..no..um..what happened?"The neighbour replies,"We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.There must be some real sick people out there!"



A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier."Show the lady your finest mink!"the fellow exclaims.So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers,"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $75,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir,"says the shop owner,"Today is Saturday.You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns without the lady.The store owner is outraged,"How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by,"grinned the guy,"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"



A little boy wanted $100 very badly.His mother told him to pray to God for it.He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up.Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.When the post officer received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President.
The president was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5.He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows :
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington.As usual, those thieving bastards deducted $95.



NEEDING a man is like needing a parachute.If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.



"WHERE did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."



"ROOM service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."



A good discussion is like a miniskirt : Short enough to sustain interest and long enough to cover the subject!

HUSBAND & WIFE

ONE day a wife asked her husband why he kept a picture of her in his wallet.
"Whenever I have a problem, no matter how big, I look at your picture and feel much better,"he said.
"I have that much power over you?" the wife asked, excited.
"Yes,"he said,"When I look at your picture, I tell myself that my other problems are not nearly as big as this one."



A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden.When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden.That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back:
"Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."



DAVE and Sue were listening to the weather report at breakfast.The announcer said,"There will be seven to twelve centimeters of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared.You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street."Dave got up from the breakfast table and went out to move their car.
Two days later they heard another radio report,"There will be five to ten centimeters of snow today.You must park on the even-numbered side of the street,"Dave grumbled and went out to move their car.
Three days later the weatherman announced,"There will be 25 to 30 centimeters of snow today and you must park....."Just then the power went out and they didn't get the rest of the instructions."Well,"said Dave,"what am I going to do now?"
"Oh, Dave,"Sue replied,"just leave the car in the garage."



A married couple went camping. After a romantic night, they were sleeping when an intruder entered into their tent. It turned out that he was a psychopath who had escaped from a mental asylum.The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, What is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," replied the poor woman.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked,"What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."



THREE men were discussing their wives."My wife tells me I'm so distinguished,"said the first,"that I look like an ambassador."
"Well,"replied the second,"My wife tells me I'm so intelligent-I'm the best-read man she has ever met."
"My wife's proud of me too,"said the third," Every time a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"



ALICE and Ted went skiing, and Ted brought along a big thermos.Alice had never seen one, and asked what it was.
"It's a thermos,"replied Ted,"The guy at the store told me it's used for keeping hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Sounds great,"said Alice,"What do you have in it?"
"Three coffees and an ice-cream."



LINDA and Jill are having coffee, when Linda notices that Jill seems trouble and asks her,"Is something bugging you, You look anxious?"
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and savings in the stock market,"Jill explained.
"Oh, that's to bad,"Linda sympathised,"I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am,"Jill said,"He'll miss me."



A couple came upon a wishing well.The husband made a wish and threw in a penny.The wife decided to make a wish too, but she leaned over too much and fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while, but then smiled and said,"It really works!"



BEHIND every successful man, there is a woman.
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.



FROM his death bed, the husband called his wife and said,"One month after I die I want you to marry Mr. Drone."
"Drone! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

ONE woman told another,"My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband.But look at me.My husband is Foolish, Lazy and a Coward ; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"



THE bride was crying.
"What's the matter?"asked her friend.
"Well,"she replied,"I didn't know until after the wedding that he had been married before and have five kids."
"That must have come as a shock to you."
"Yes, and my four children weren't happy either."



A big game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.His mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a huge male lion stood facing her.
The wife said,"What are we going to do?"
"Nothing,"said the hunter,"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."



FOR their first anniversary, a man buys his young wife a cell phone.She is thrilled and listens eagerly as he explains all its features.The next day she is out shopping when the phone rings.
"Hi, darling,"her husband says,"How do you like your new phone?"
"Oh, I just love it!"she gushes,"It's cute and small - and your voice sounds so clear. But there's just one thing I don't understand."
"What's that?"
"How did you know I was at the shopping mall?"



GUY on phone to girlfriend : "How can you say I don't care? My records show I had a Valentine faxed to your home number."



I know we missed the plane,"a woman tells her husband at airport,"But it was just a matter of seconds, dear.And if you had not kept hurrying me all the time, we would have arrived later and would not have to wait so long for next flight!"



THERE are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman :-
before marriage and after marriage.



A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.



A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

Computer Jokes 

DO you know what a computer injury is? A mega byte!
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
What do you get when you cross a Policeman and a Pig? Law and Odor.
What do you get when you cross a Perm with a Rabbit? Curly Hare.



POWERING up his office computer one morning, David saw a unique error message:
"Keyboard undetected."
Then he saw how to clear the error:
"Press any key to continue."



SOME says a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, they'll remember every bit of it.
Some says a computer is a man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have gotten a better model for less.



DAVID work in a busy office where a computer going down causes quite inconvenience.
One day, one of their computer not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor."This computer has flat-lined,"a co-worker called out with mock horror,"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse resuscitation?"



ONCE upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer. "I want to write things the whole world will read,"he declared,"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life. I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after writing error messages for MICROSOFT.



You know you've been surfing the NET too long when...

Your kids complain about the phone bill you're racking up.



A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance,"he read,"we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."



A neighbor is outside gardening and the blonde next door comes out and checks her mail. A little while later she comes out and checks her mailbox again. This continues for 1/2 an hour until finally the neighbor walks over to the blonde and asks if she's expecting a package.
The blond reply's, "No, my computer keeps telling me I have mail."



A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank.He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building.He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.
"Excuse me!" he yells."Where am I?"
"You're in a helicopter," she replies.
The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog,and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.
"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"
"Easy,"says the pilot."Her answer,while correct,was absolutely useless.So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."